Part 3: NWS - What the Fuck is Wrong With This Town?

THIS UPDATE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED NOT WORK SAFE

Hello again everybody! Let's continue exploring the town and making friends.



Occasionally as you spawn onto a screen, enemies will try and ambush you. Typically you won't have a lot of time to react.



This does make a perfect opportunity to show off another of Butters' abilities. This is Hammer of Justice.



Pissed Off is a pretty great debuff to inflict. Anybody afflicted by it can no longer use abilities, and can only target the person who inflicted it.

Anyway, when you're walking around, you'll just randomly see elves out and about as random encounters, like the one we just fought. They have a lot of dialogue if they see you.

: (standing around) Well, well.
: (standing around) Dead human walking!
: (standing around) Goddamn, humans are ugly.
: (standing around) Hey New Kid! Suck my balls!
: (standing around) You better keep walking.
: (standing around) Long way from home, human.
: (standing around) Something stinks like human.
: (standing around) Where's your leash, human dog?
: (standing around) Let's go, bitch! You and me.
: (standing around) Come on, give me a reason.
: (standing around) You looking for a fight?
: (standing around) What's the matter? Lost your Stick?
: (standing around) I got a beating with your name on it.

As well as when they become aggressive and try to initiate combat.

: (beginning fight) Elves attack!
: (initiating fight) Die, asshole!
: (initiating fight) The Stick is ours!
: (initiating fight) Fuck you, asshole!
: (initiating fight) You're a douche!
: (initiating fight) What are you lookin' at, pussy?
: (initiating fight) This elf is gonna fuck you up!
: (initiating fight) Oh you want some of this?
: (beginning fight) You're dead.
: (beginning fight) You scared?
: (beginning fight) Let's do this!
: (beginning fight) Prepare to eat shit!
: (beginning fight) I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
: (beginning fight) I'm gonna beat you like your daddy does.
: (beginning fight) Oh, it's on!

There's even a lot of things elves will say in the midst of combat.

: (WRATH OF THE ELVES) Eat shit!
: (WRATH OF THE ELVES) I'm gonna mess you up, dude.
: (RIPOSTING) Suck my balls!
: (RIPOSTING) You're going down.
: (attacking) Suck on this!
: (attacking) Fuck you, asshole!!
: (attacking) Asshole!
: (if hit while shielded) Nope!
: (if hit while shielded) Oh, shut down!
: (if hit while shielded) Nice try, asshole.
: (when hit) Ow!
: (when hit) Hey!
: (when hit) Ow, jeez!
: (when hit) Quit it!
: (when hit) Stop it!
: (when hit) Oh, it's on!
: (when hit) Aw! Motherfucker.
: (when hit) That didn't count!
: (when hit) You'll pay for that!
: (being healed with NATURE'S BOUNTY) Awesome!
: (being healed with NATURE'S BOUNTY) Oh hell yeah!
: (if you die) New Kid got pwned!
: (if you die) Oh yeah, you like that?

That's enough optional dialogue for now. There'll be more later.





To tell the honest truth, I captured half of the screenshots in this update a week apart from the first half. So the first part will have a lot of loot shots of awful cosmetic items, while the second half I decided nobody actually wanted to read variations on "ugh another shitty cosmetic item" and cut that shit out.

I also feel I should give proper warning. This updated is NWS as all fuck. Don't read this at work. I'm serious. This is your proper warning. The next image is .





Let's talk to this girl instead.

: I'm actually faster at Facebook messaging than I am at speaking. Here, this'll just go a lot faster if I friend you.
: ...

: There. This is way easier than talking! Anyway, I feel like you and I have a real connection.

You see that garage there on the brown house? There's a thing in it that you can shoot to make a ladder drop. When I was playing I honestly didn't see it. There is a Facebook friend up there. I'm going to include his dialogue here, and I'll just grab him offscreen.

: Are you new? Hey, that means you don't know anything about me, huh?
: Don't, uh ... don't believe everything you read on Facebook, okay?



Anyway, Craig lives here, and he's one of the warriors we need to recruit. Let's see if he's home.



: Ya lookin' for Craig? Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal.
: We better get to the other guys first!



This is the house of Kevin Stoley. He's big into sci-fi. That's two transformers in his garage.



As for Kevin, I'm sure you can guess his obsession.



All these underpants are for a quest we get much later in the game.



The weird furry thing on his dresser quivers if you shoot it.



Let's talk to Kevin and see what he's got to say.



: Greetings, human. While I would prefer to explore strange worlds with you, it is illogical to abandon the bridge until the captain returns. ...The captain is my mom. I-I can't go outside when she's not home. But the Federation has an urgent mission for you. A tricorder was left behind on the frozen planet of Hoth. Only it's not a tricorder i-it's my dad's iPad 2. I need you to beam down to Omicron Sector and locate that device before it falls into Klingon hands. I think it fell out of my backpack near the church.
: The Federation is counting on you to find that tricorder!

I'm pretty sure an iPad would stop working correctly if it were dropped on the ground, or in snow. Spoilers, we find it on the ground in a snowbank.



Back outside now. If we destroy this grill, it falls over and catches fire. Pity we can't spread the fire, because that treasure chest looks tempting. Oh well, let's see who lives in House 9770.







This is the Community Center. There will be more to do here later on in the story. Yes, that is a Chinpokomon in the fence back there, and no we can't reach it yet.



Another screen to the left is the school. This is actually the first dungeon of the game, but we can't go in until we find the three warriors. If you look in the background, you can make out the fence leading to the loading dock has a golden handle. Let's go investigate.



These are the goth kids. Remember that they're here. From the left, we have Pete, Firkle, Henrietta, and Michael. We can't do much with them just yet.

: There's this cool old dude who sells clothes on the other side of town.
: You're not goth! Where are your cigarettes?! Fuck off!
: Enjoy your popularity and one point nine children and your 401k, conformist.
: Find your own pit of despair. God!

: I see only death and decay. You are a rotting corpse to me.
: We are all dying from the moment we are born.

: Oh please. What goth kid walks around in THOSE clothes?

: If you're looking for smokes, the sixth graders are always hanging up near Jimbo's Guns.
: You think that's all it means to be goth?! You don't even have coffee!
: We don't hang with conformists, go get the stuff to look like we do.
: Go conform somewhere else, kid.

Some of that is quest related dialogue for later in the game, but meh. Firkle is kinda cute at least. He's the tiny kindergartner goth kid in the background. Something about his widdle vowice spouting shitty poetry is adorable.



Anyway, just past the school we find the edge of the map. All these signs are warning us about the forest. We can't get in yet because of a partially visible mass of rats, but the forest is a really dangerous place to be. The enemies inside are really strong, so we'll be avoiding it as much as possible.



The town of South Park, for the purposes of this game, is laid out in three distinct rows. Most of the houses are on the bottom row. We're now on the second row where the majority of the businesses can be found. We'll cover the top row next time, but it has still more businesses.



The generic sunglasses are one of the few cosmetic items in the game I genuinely like.



It's hard to make a nine year old look badass, though.



Over to the right we find a split path.



If you break the pile of wood and follow the path back, we find this little hiding spot.



Some girl stashed her backpack back here, and we just looted it. Remember this is back here, because a quest we run into later on will have an objective in this little hiding spot.



Kevin mentioned that he dropped his dad's iPad near the church, so let's go find it.



The shot is super small to show you the iPad, but this is to the right of the church, behind the lone tree closest to the fence.



Past the church is the police station. We can bust open the first car's trunk, but all that's inside is a strength potion I doubt I'll ever use. Inside the station we can find a bunch of South Park's finest.



Over behind the redheaded sergeant, we can find some neat loot.



I swear that Breathalyzer looks like a car battery with a tube attached to the negative terminal.

: Nothing ever happens in this one horse town. Except for hippie infestations ... cat piss huffing... guinea pig attacks...
: ... robot dinosaur attacks, huge bouncy testicle fads, New Jersey invasions, towel technology wars, pee tsunamis...
: ... accidental toilet deaths, crack baby basketball leagues, rifts to the realm of the ancient ones, jizz drinking scams ...

: We've been getting reports of a bunny rabbit running around people's yards. I'm gonna check it out.

: I like a kid who lets his actions speak for him.
: Not now, kid. I'm on a case.
: I don't even like donuts, that's the sad truth.
: Best thing about being a cop is that people have to respect your authority.



Left of the lobby we can find the lockup.

: Come on a quieter day, I'll take you on a ride-along. I'll be way more careful than I was with the last kid.

: You don't talk, huh? Me neither. That's why they won't let me out.

: Hey, kid. Find the key and bust me out of here.



Upstairs in the station we find more stuff to poke at.



Like the evidence locker, which is to the right.



If I'm not mistaken this is #5, which puts us at 16%



Okay, this loot has a lot of stuff in it. Bling is our first piece of armor, while Buckyball Magnets are our first armor accessory. So...





Bling increases money gained by 5%. I'll never use it. I don't show them off here but the Buckyball Magnets, if we could equip them, also increase money gained. I also take this opportunity to customize our armor some.



Much better!



Left of the staircase we can find some callbacks.



The police aren't looking very hard if they can't find Damien. He's not exactly hiding very well. We'll find him later.



The equipment lockup is, well, locked. So we have to sneak in. If we shoot the right side of the trophy shelf, it falls over.





I'm honestly kind of disappointed we can't loot some gear from in here. A nightstick or riot shield would be kind of neat to run around with.





The jail cell key unlocks Romper Stomper's cell. I completely forget to do this until later. Whoops!



It's also time for a change away from that beard.



Pressing A here will unlock a shortcut. We can't do anything with that weird device up on top of the station yet. But the shortcut affords us easy access back when we can!



Now time to show off weapon stickers.



You can apply and remove them at will, allowing you to customize your weapons to your liking. I'll show off how you can really snap the game in half with this in the next update. For now, an extra five damage on a melee attack is pretty nice.



Better weapons and armor have more slots for stickers and accessories.

Anyway, on with the game.



: Oh what sad times these are when the nation's youth run around in dungeon clothes playing the games of Satan. Young man, if you really want power there is only one thing you must do. Find Jesus. Find him, and when you do, return to me.
: Find Christ, my son, and you shall be greatly rewarded.
: The Lord shall make Himself known when He chooses to reveal Himself. But He will only reveal Himself to those who wish to find him.
: Sometimes the Lord can be found in the most surprising places. Keep looking, my son.

Well, the most logical place to start looking for Jesus is at the church. Let's start there.



: (Tee hee hee hee)





: You found me! Tee hee hee! Next time finding me won't be so easy!





Let's go talk to Priest Maxi and see what he has to say about literally finding Jesus.



: Do not despair, for many find Jesus only to lose Him later. But the soul that does not abandon its search will surely be rewarded with His company. Remember that.

Okay, let's try again. Back to the church!



: (Tee hee hee hee!)

It's not immediately obvious what you have to do here, but you can interact with the spotlights.



You can also hit the overhead lights. If you look really closely, you can just barely make out a golden highlight on the light switch.





: Well done, my son! I hope you didn't peek! Remember, I will always be at the side of those who have found me. You can call me once per day with this. But I can't help against bosses. They're scary. Come find me again for another.



The combat in this game is incredibly easy, so you almost never need to use summons. The fights where you would want to, they're unable to be used. Oh, and Priest Maxi and Jesus both add us on Facebook after we unlock the summon.

In case we come back to Jesus after using his summon, but before a day has passed, he has some dialogue for us.

: Sorry, I can only help you once per day. It's not like I can be everywhere at once.

: Guys, your heart is the first place everybody looks. I'm not going to hide there. Give me some credit, okay?



We can poke around in the priest's office.







He has a tiny little mitre.



: Now that you have found Jesus, He will always be with you.

: I'm glad that you found Christ, my son. Be ye ever vigilant, for He may be found in the unlikeliest of places in times of need. I found Him in my chimney once.
_{Jesus likes this.}

So over past the priest, we can see some bullies harassing a little girl. You can also click the video to see the cutscene and accompanying fight. Highly recommended, if only to see just how fast paced the action is.

Video:

: Give it back! Give it back!
: Why don't you make us?
: That's MY Justin Bieber toy!
: Not anymore, it's not!



: Aw, did baby lose her toy?
: Come on, you guys!
: You gonna cry?
: It isn't yours!
: What are you gonna do about it?
: She's got nothing.
: Maybe I'll just break it in two.
: No, don't!
: Do it. Let's see its insides.

Fuck bullies. Let's intervene!



: Who is THIS?



: Beat it, kid, if you know what's good for you.



Despite being awful bullies, these are still little girls. As such they are barely more difficult than a random encounter. Can't Touch Us is their only ability of note, and it just adds four armor. Wow.

If you somehow fuck up badly enough to get a game over here, these girls have special dialogue for you.

: What a little pussy.



You have to be really bad at this game to lose to this fight, so you will almost never see that dialogue.



: You LIKE beating up on GIRLS??



: Oh, I hope they didn't break it. (she pulls the cord) Oh, whew. Hey thanks ... I owe you one kid

The first time I played this, I thought there would be consequences for beating up on a group of girls. There are none. We actually get rewarded by Annie adding us on Facebook!

: That was so amazing, what you did for me. I won't forget it.



There's a Chinpokomon in a tree here. There's also a couple backpacks over on a pathway behind Priest Maxi. Neither has anything worth mentioning.



Let's go bug Mayor McDaniels in city hall.



: I want you to know that I'm very sorry about Butters. Just in general.



: Hey, kid, maybe you can help us with something. All these homeless people in South Park are making us look like a cold and heartless town. If you could go and beat the crap out of all the bums and vagrants, they'll leave town and it'll restore South Park's reputation as a compassionate community. Ya gotta get every single one of those bastards, okay? Chop chop!

: We still have hobos, Kid. Come back when you have solved our little "problem."

We can't finish this quest today. If I remember right, there's 7 camps we need to bust up. On the first day we can clear, I believe, 3. Maybe 4.



Let's keep moving on.



I feel kinda out of place doing this LP, because I don't recognize so many of these callbacks. I'm not a superfan by any stretch of the imagination. But it's a testament to how well made the game is that it's enjoyable despite not understanding the references.

Anyway, Butters also has a lot of things to say while you're walking around town.

: Sure is a lot of walkin'.
: We must get back to the quest at hand, my lord!
: To get the Stick of Truth we must recruit the warriors three!

: (standing around) You want my number? Oh, okay.
: (standing around) Yeah, after people hang out with me for a while they usually end up texting or just looking at their phones.
: (standing around) Well you don't have to tweet me, I'm right here.
: (standing around) If you're texting your friends about this game, tell them it's good.
: (standing around) Is Douchebag your real name?

Expect to hear the first three pretty often.



The first door is locked, so let's go in the post office instead.



: GET ON THE GROUND AND SHUT UP OR YOUR BRAINS ARE GOING ON THE FUCKING WALL- Hey Vince, how's it going? Just showing the New Kid around today.
: Hey Butters! Sweet kid.

: I'd love to chat, but you're unpopular.

Like several of the other girls in the town, Lola won't be friends with us until we're more popular. So we'll have to be back later. But before we leave...



One of the mailboxes over on the right is unlocked.



There's also some stuff behind the counter.



Oh hey, it's Stevie Nicks. What's she doing crammed in a treasure chest?



We should deliver this to Mr. Slave. We'll be by his house in a few minutes.



I'd comment on how dirty the quest name sounds, but knowing this game I'm pretty sure it's intentional. Anyway, let's go unlock the news office and poke around in there.





We can't interact with the broken heat register. Not yet at any rate. We can, however, talk to Esther.

: They're gonna interview me for a piece on youth narcissism. I can't wait to read about me!
: Maybe they'll put a picture of me in the article too!

We're also now Facebook friends with Esther. Until later, that's all we can do in here.

The guy at the desk just has generic townie dialogue. I'll... cover that later. There's a metric fuckton and a lot of it is dependent on what day you're on. So it's just easier to post all of it then.



Now that we're friends with Esther, we also get our second perk.



Hopefully we won't be needing to use too many revive potions, but being able to revive someone at full health will be invaluable all the same.



Mrs. Biggle is an easy-to-miss Facebook friend. It's really easy to mistake her for a random townie. On the upside, she doesn't move from that spot until you talk to her, so it's not like you can miss becoming friends with her.

: You must be in our little Bradley's class. I know everyone thinks their child is special, but I REALLY think he is.
: Have you met my daughter Henrietta? She thinks she's a vampire, but I'm sure it's just a phase.



This screen of the town has Tom's Rhinoplasty and the bank.

: Well hey Officer Buttbaby!
: That's Buttbrady! Wait...

: I'll be watching you, New Kid. On Facebook! I hope you post a lot of cat pictures.
: Hey, New Kid!
: Have you seen my hat?
: You're pretty small for a grown man.
: Report any suspicious activity to the police. That's what I do.
: Okay people, nothing to see here. There's a much better view down that way.

: DeeR Dairy, 2day I maid frenz w/ a new kidd. He waz reelee niCe. I hope he likez me 2.

Officer Barbrady IS pretty nice. Let's check out the nose job joint because the big tower is locked.



Oh my. That's a lot of pictures of the Hoff.



Over on the far side of the clinic, we can raid a drawer and find a key. I didn't realize this while recording, but the key unlocks the big tower next door. Just another thing to add to my list of shit I need to do the next time I record.

For the record, the script I'm using has this to say about the business office:

quote:

BUSINESS OFFICE

(there is nothing in here. what a WASTE)

So presumably there's some cosmetics inside, or a random reference.



Back to Tom's Rhinoplasty. Let's talk to Mrs. Marsh.

: Oh hello, are you interested in some rhinoplasty? Here's a brochure with all of Dr. Tom's rates.

: Back again, I see. Let me show you our brochure.

: (after you buy something) I'll add you to our email list. Sometimes we do two-for-one specials.
: (when you buy a procedure) Oh, yes, that would look great on you! Alright, go on through. Door to your right!
: Oh go on through the door to the right. Doctor Tom will get you all fixed up.



There's special dialogue if you spend $175 to buy "The Hasselhoff." I'll be showing that off much, much later. You know, when I actually have that kind of money to burn.

If you buy an accessory, Mrs. Marsh adds you on facebook. What the game calls accessories, I call cosmetics. There are dozens upon dozens for sale, and each costs $2.00. Coming through to clean this shop's inventory out will set you back between $50-$100.



Moving on, the bank is next to Tom's Rhinoplasty.




: Okay this is a stickup!! Put all the money in a bag or I'll fucking kill each and every one of y- oh hey Laura, hey Benny how's it going? Just showing the New Kid around ...
: Hi Butters!
: Good to see you too, Butters, thanks for checking in.



: Welcome to the Bank of South Park. Would you like to invest money with us today?
: (if no/ you don't have 20 dollars) Sorry, kid. Come back when you have some money to invest.
: (if you invest 20 dollars) Wise move, young man, and a bold first step toward your financial future. We'll just take that money and employ significant leverage using computer-assisted high frequency trading and index fund rebalancing to buy ahead of certain stock movements AND it's gone!
: (if you invest 20 dollars) A smart choice, kid. First thing we'll do is take that money and invest in a Colorado tax-free municipal bond fund and then give the dividend to my buddy at Goldman Sachs who'll give it to his buddy at JP Morgan who has a LIBOR-adjusted cross-currency obligation AND it's gone!
: (if you invest 20 dollars) You're obviously an experienced and sophisticated investor so let's just take that money and put it into a secure and qualified account and it's gone!

This isn't a scam, we can get this money back at a later date. But $60 invested is the point where the reward stops growing. Oh and for the sake of reference...



Let's just move on.



This screen will be incredibly important later on in the game.

: Generally wanna stay outta there if you're a fetus, yeah.



: Hi, did you accidentally get someone pregnant?

I'm using the generic woman townie face here. It's the woman named "Admin" behind the counter talking.

Outside, we can see a girl hiding behind the abortion clinic. Let's go talk to her.

: Let's just keep this between us, okay? Because we're such good friends!
: Hey, how was your weekend? That's SO great! Kay, later!

Indeed. Well, we're friends with Millie now. The last thing of interest on this screen is the photo dojo.



: Hey, you're a pretty good looking kid. You ever think about modeling?

The door to the back room is locked until much later in the game. We'll be back then.



There's not very much on this screen, but it does signify that we're next to the playground.



Speaking of which, here we are. There's a few generic kids hanging out, but we're more interested in the far side of the basketball court.



See that little kid peeking out from behind the pole? He has a quest for us.



: Come play hide and seek with us. You're it!

Those six kindergartners are now spread all throughout the town. We'll happen across all of them in the course of finishing up everything. We've actually already passed several of their hiding spots.



Finally, at the far end of the playground, we find the domain of Maplebeard the Pirate King.

: Avast there, matey! None shall pass!
: I am a pirate king!

We can leave off the bottom of the screen here to put us one screen to the right of Kupa Keep. Instead, we're going to continue our journey to the right.





We've already found the first little kid! This is Sally.



: Billy tried to steal my hidey spot, but I made him go away.



I wonder whose house this is. It could only be one of two people in the town.



This next dialogue you only get if you come here before picking the package up at the post office. I've never seen it because I always take this route through the town.

: Hey kid, can you help me? There was a mix-up at the post office and they accidentally gave me a package for Ms. Cartman. Any chance you can go to the post office and pick up mine while I drop this one by her house?
: I guess Ms. Cartman and I like to shop at the same places.

After we deliver the package to him...

: Thanks, Kid! My night is looking a whole lot better now. Here, if you ever need my help, use this! I can't help with any really tough fights, though. I don't want to get a fissure. Come back and find me if you want to call me again. But give it a day. I go to a lot of parties.



Mr. Slave gives us another summon item to use. I'm pretty sure there are four summon items, and we can get three of them basically immediately from the start of the game.

If we use the summon item and come back to talk to Mr. Slave, he has this to say.

: Come back tomorrow, sweetie. I'm all booked up today.



This is one fancy as hell bedroom. There's nothing worthwhile in here though. If you squint, you can make out a duffel bag behind the changing screen. All that's in there is a torn condom and some pocket change.

Back outside, let's go to the house next door.





What the fuck is wrong with this town?



The horsefucker is so busy with his hobby that he can't even fix his garage door. So we can't loot it for goods either.



But on the upside, we're 2/3 done with exploring the town.

Next time we learn how to break the game, so stay tuned!